barely two months left for 2009

As I prepare for the rest of 2009, this forwarded note will set the tone for what I will be doing moving forward. I say, bring it on.

And as my favorite saying goes: "Life is too short to be anything but happy."

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(unattributed author)

We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married, have a baby, then another. Then we are frustrated that the kids aren't old enough and we'll be more content when they are. After that we're frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. We will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage. We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse gets his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, are able to go on a nice vacation, when we retire.
The truth is, there's no better time to be happy than right now.

Your life will always be filled with challenges. It's best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway. One of my favourite quotes comes from Alfred D Souza. He said, "For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life."

This perspective has helped me to see that there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way. So, treasure every moment that you have.

Stop waiting until you finish school, until you go back to school, until you lose ten pounds, until you gain ten pounds, until you have kids, until your kids leave the house, until you start work, until you retire, until you get married, until you get divorced, until Friday night, until Sunday morning, until you get a new car or home, until your car or home is paid off, until spring, until summer, until fall, until winter, until you are off welfare, until the first or fifteenth, until your song comes on, until you've had a drink, until you've sobered up, until you die, until you are born again to decide that there is no better time than right now to be happy.

what is fear?

muntik na akong mapatay kagabi.

oo, mapatay at hindi mamatay.

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Traffic wasn't moving on the flyover from C5 going to Market Market. The flyover has a narrow 2-lane entrance that widens to 3 towards the bend. I was almost at the bend when the traffic enforcer (READ: Security Guard) decided to take his time letting all the eastbound cars pass. I had been waiting for almost ten minutes already when this guy on a motorcycle tried to get through the narrow space in between my car and another one.

Side note: I hate motorcycle drivers. They are a bane to the society. Yes, I am mean like that.

Seeing that there's this fugly guy trying to sneak into the narrow space, I gave him a frustrated look and then looked away. He then hit my side mirror with the edge of his motorcycle handle such that I was forced to look at him again.

He moved forward just enough so that I could see that he had a gun hanging by his belt.

I was mortified. I had envisioned myself dying from a car crash since I race against 16-wheeler trucks on a daily basis (knock on wood) but I never thought of being gunned down on a highway! And not by a fugly dude on a cheap motorcycle!

He was not contented with that. He moved in front of my car, gave me a really penetrating stare and paraded the gun on his belt.

After thinking about how my mom would react to my untimely demise, I thought of ways to potentially save myself.
1. Since I was on D and was just stepping on the brake, I could just accelerate, hit him and run him over by my pretty car. And I could chalk it up to self defense. And then he dies.
2. I could take off my seat belt, quickly open the door and jump outside so that the car will run him over and then he dies.
3. Pull out my gun in the car and shoot him before he shoots me and then he dies.

Okay, no. I don't have a gun in my car. But yeah, last night, my best option was him dying and not me. Could you really blame me if I wished him harm?

With all these thoughts running through my head, I didn't have the time to see the proverbial flashing of my life sequence when you are about to die. I was busy saving my life, silly.

So there I was staring at him while he stared back like he was really going to kill me.

And then he left.

And I muttered a silent prayer.

I think I need to get a gun.

It comes to a close.

I saw one of my closest girl-friends at the parking lot yesterday morning. She was away on a surfing trip over the weekend with her boyfriend and their friends. It’s been a week since we saw each other so I was excited to see her again. She was wearing a long summer dress that went well with her tan. She looked pretty so I wanted to give her a compliment, I wanted to start her week right with a pat on the back. I walked over to her car as she was getting her gym stuff in the trunk.

“Hey, sweetie. Good morning. Nice tan! You look good in that summer dress! How was the beach trip?”
“We broke up.”

And she started crying.

I was left with nothing to say, I was in no position to offer love advice being a single since birth gay guy whose first attempt at a real relationship turned out ugly. What was I supposed to say?

“Oh my.” And I gave her a hug.

The guy wanted to cool off because he felt uncertain about the relationship. My friend couldn’t accept that reason because she felt it’s such a lame excuse for cooling off. She was concerned with being in a relationship with someone who was uncertain of himself and who was uncertain about her. She broke it off and she has been feeling like crap since Saturday.

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Oh, Saturday. It was our first meet up—a date, perhaps. After about two months of leaving each other messages on Downelink and sending each other mini updates via SMS, we finally got to meet. I suggested that we watch 500 Days of Summer because I’ve heard nice reviews about it. He agreed.

We settled to meet each other around 6 pm. The movie was at 7pm.

He constantly sent me updates about his whereabouts but that didn’t quell my fear of getting stood up. At quarter to seven he texted that he was already in Glorietta. I let out a sigh of relief. He was going to be here, after all.

At three minutes before seven, he got off the escalator. And there I was, waiting with a bottle of water for him since I knew he had to rush to get there on time. As the movie started, he snuggled close to me such that his right arm was underneath my left arm. His right arm was almost resting on my torso. I didn’t know what to do so I stayed put.

Over dinner, we had an animated discussion about what each other was doing. He’s an architect and I’m an HR practitioner. Despite the fun time we had talking about different things, I had a 21k run the next day so I couldn’t really stay late. I offered to bring him home. It was amazing how we continued to talk about the things that we do.

When we got to his place, we said our goodbyes. He got off but he didn’t give me a peck on the cheek, nor a hug—nada.

On the way home, I received a text message: “I had a great time with you, thanks for the movie, the meal and the hatid. Good luck on your run tomorrow. Text me when you get home.”

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The whole thing confused me, really. After the date, I didn’t get confirmation whether he was interested or not. Maybe it was too early to tell, to ask, to feel. But I subscribe to the idea that when two people click, they just do. You sorta kinda know.

That’s why I could totally relate with Tom in 500 Days of Summer. I’m a sucker for romantic movies, the default option for me is that the good guy always deserves to get the girl. That when you two enjoy each other’s company, it’s just logical that you two hit it off. That ‘wreckless’ love that Alicia Keys sings of. That you don’t need to eat the whole cake to know if it’s any good. That the most important thing of all is that ever elusive spark.

“I woke up one morning and I just knew.”
“Knew what?”
“What I was never sure of you.”

It broke my heart to hear that.

And it left me wondering: Could he be my Summer?

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I don’t understand why I am in such a hurry to find the one. I just turned 23, I am starting to build my career in a multinational, I have just started dating guys last year, I had been hurt once. Why do I feel like I’m losing time when the rest of my life is still in front of me?

“You’re waiting kasi. Wag mong antayin.”
“It’s going to be a surprise, don’t hurry it. You’d enjoy it more if it’s that way.”
“You’re still young. There’s a lot more opportunity for you.”

How come I don’t get comforted by these words even if those saying it are my most trusted friends?

I feel that I lead an awesome life: I have a nice job, I get to contribute at home, I’m at my best shape yet, I have friends I can talk about a variety of stuff, I see the world.

But somehow, I feel that it’s not enough to talk about these things with friends or family. I feel like I have a lot to give—attention, affection, love. But there’s no receptacle.

So I guess in the end, I may not just be as ready for a relationship as I thought I was. Or maybe I am really not Tom, but Summer. And I may just haven’t found the one I can be sure of, yet.

silence

Love comes when you least expect it, in the most unexpected places.

Some call it Fate.

In an attempt to rekindle my relationship with God, I attended a silent retreat right before graduating from college. READ: Five days of no talking. At the end of the five-day retreat, it's not just the relationship with God that I rekindled. There was also my relationship with Elle.

We didn't know we'd see each other in Mirador. I signed up because back in college, I decided to cut my relationship with God. College was about to end, the Ateneo was now ready to let me go and I felt I needed something to guide me as I try to make sense of the world out there. She may have had different reasons for going, but the bottom line is, she was there--we both were.

She always caught me by surprise. It’s freaky at times, really. I don’t know, she always had to be where I was. Mirador was too big for both of us but I always had to see her and be reminded of the could-have-beens.

I vividly remember watching the bonfire with you. We just sat there as we watched another guy set it up for everyone. No one talked but it really felt like we all connected. I was trying to read your glances, trying to catch your eye, trying to make sense of what brought us together at that time. When the last ember went out, I realized that the fire may have warmed my body but the thought of you warmed my heart.

Writing each other letters may be considered wrong in the context of our silent prayer. But I always believed that in connecting with God, we can use whatever, as long as it will lead us closer to Him. I was inspired to write you a letter, so I did. It amazed me that when I got back from leaving the letter on your doorstep, I found your letter tied on my room's doorknob. We didn’t have to cross our paths, it was already intertwined to begin with.

It was God’s spontaneity at its finest. We were dancing to God’s music, to His choreography.

I was elated to see that you also had a letter for me. I wrote you a response because I wanted to thank you and apologize for my misgivings. I didn'y give it right away. I felt that there was something amiss.

I waited until the breaking of the silence. Because by then I would be able to get you something. I thought hard about what to give you as we roamed around the city. Then it hit me. I decided to leave you with a dream catcher--because you were a dream that for the longest time, I wanted to catch.

Before we boarded the bus, I rushed to your door so I could leave the letter and the dreamcatcher. I tried not to make any sound but the dream catcher bumped to your door. I rushed to leave because I knew you heard and I didn't want you to see me. I walked away as I heard your door opening. I continued to walk away so I don’t see you because it will be hard to leave you, again. You were still in your silent prayer and I didn't want to break that prematurely. I walked away knowing that you are looking at me and waiting that I look back. But I never did.

The time to leave had come, we loaded our bags onto the jeep that will transfer the items to the bus. I didn’t expect to see you waiting by the fish pond--one of the places where we always saw each other. There was no other way to pass so I walked straight to you. Right on cue, you turned around, look me in the eye and showed me what you were holding. I was surprised to see my letter, with the dream catcher.

You reached out for my hand and gave me another letter. As if that wasn't enough, you pulled me close and gave me a hug. All I mustered to say was “salamat.” And then you walked away. Like me, you also never looked back.

Our roles were reversed this time. But in the end, we both did not look back.

I looked at the letter in my hand. Then the rain started to pour. Funny it didn't feel cold.

Your hug warmed me through the harsh pouring rain. And that was all that mattered.

I call it Faith.

the best business is minding your own business

Bato bato sa langit, ang tamaan ay pa...

Ay, wag na lang.

roast

March 2007

It was a half-hearted decision to attend this party. Sure, the whole block is gonna be there and there's a slim chance that I would feel out of place. While I'm not overly popular in school, I had a lot of acquaintances because of the various activities I joined. I'm sure I'll enjoy seeing familiar faces, perhaps for the last time.

It was kind of our last hurrah before graduation and my friends insisted that I should go, so I did.

I didn't know what to do when they handed me a blue rose at the entrance. I still haven't decided who to give it to. According to campus-lore, you should give it to the person you've been crushing on since your freshman year but never had the guts to admit. Some say you should give it to someone you've hurt as a means to apologize for your misgiving. It could also be an expression of heartfelt thanks to someone who'd been there throughout your four years in college.

The problem was it could mean anything.

That night I could have given it to Elle. She's the cheerdancer I've been dating since the sophomore year. It's been a bumpy courtship: I was insecure about myself, she was over-confident. I knew she liked me enough, but I never had the balls to actually ask her about it. We just hung out. We had a fight during our junior year and decided to take a break from each other.

I saw her that night, with another guy. "It could have been you," I told myself and walked away.

Or I could have given it to Marie. She's the blockmate I've always admired. She was not the prettiest in the block but she was one of the smartest and most responsible. Despite our already difficult workload, she mastered speaking in French. We would hang out together, at times, take the public transport together. She never knew that she was one of my could-have-beens. She was too good, and I was uncertain--of myself.

I saw her that night, with her best friend. "I can't bring this up now," I hesitated and walked away.

I could also have given it to Kitty. The first time I saw her during freshman orientation, I was captivated. She knew that I've had a crush on her ever since. And I'm happy that we've become really good friends during college. I've long accepted the fact that we'll never be together and I am contented with just being friends. We've weathered every group work together and made it a point to become thesis groupmates. We clicked as friends, and that is all there is to it.

I spent most of the time with her that night. "You already know how I feel about you," I thought hard and walked away.

In a flurry mix of chitchat, alcohol, cameras and warm hugs, I forgot that I was still holding on to my blue rose. It was already time to go, yet I still have that blue rose on hand.

I turned to the blockmate closest to me and said, "You should get this blue rose. Happy Graduation!"

The sissy left the party.

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March 2009

Good thing I had a driver after facilitating that workshop in our offsite location in Batangas. I was so tired after facilitating the session that I was asleep for the most part of the trip. I woke up and we were already along SLEX. Traffic was building up, the car was slowing down.

A question came up in my head: "Why am I still single until now?"

It got me thinking. I have gone out on dates, I've been meeting up with guys. I've been told I'm quite a looker. I'm not obese, I've a stable job.

What was it that hinders me from getting into a relationship?

After that long trip back to the office, I realized I need to start taking chances. I realized that with potential relationships, I've always held back. I've never allowed myself to be completely vulnerable. I felt that I was always restricting myself, trying to follow guidelines that never really existed, holding myself at a different set of standard. I never really lost my self.

Then, along came a guy whom I thought was the one. Just like in movies, he came with perfect timing. It felt like an answered prayer. But it was a roller coaster ride of emotions. I let go completely because I believed then that love should be lavish and that you should never waste a moment to express it. I ended up broken hearted when it came to an end.

I tried and eventually got tired of seeing guys. Because I was still hung up with my past, I ended up hurting the guys I tried to date. I dated to fill the void and just when they are falling (I'm sure you'll 'know' it when it happens), I let go. There had been apologies, but the harm had already been done.

After five long months, I would say that I now have completely moved on. I have fully accepted that in relationships, the only thing that matters is that the other person likes you enough. It's not about the ex, not about the timing, not about the job, nor the work schedule. If the other person liked you enough, all the other things--even the ex--would not matter.

The faster you realize that simple concept, the faster you'll move on.

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This saturday, I am meeting him for the first time.

All I know is I'm ready for however it would turn out. The key to a happy life: managed expectations.

Here's to taking chances, to being vulnerable. For the next time I bare my soul, I would be ready to take the response--even if the response ain't favorable.

101-word fiction: Better in Time

He sleeps uncomfortably on his bed. It's been a week since his better half left him. They fought over the simplest of things and both of them snapped.

Now, he regrets ever starting the fight. It's raining outside and he's worried about him. This is the longest period they've spent apart and he's afraid it might remain that way.

He tried to sleep but failed. Everything seemed like a blur.

And then all of a sudden, the door opened. His partner walked over to the bed, got in and hugged him.

He asked: "How are you?"

He replied: "Now, I'm okay."