0809

The self improvement month had commenced.

The goal: By the end of August 2009, see observable improvements to my person physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

The rationale: I have not been as focused on my self as I should have been. I have always postponed doing things for myself. As I turn 23, I ask myself: "What have you been doing to keep yourself relevant?"

Live a little, they say.

My past pseudo-relationship had reminded me of my ideals when it comes to life and relationships. I've allowed myself to fall behind, to lag and to experience something awful. You see, I almost forgot my concept of self in that pseudo-relationship. I thought that a love that ravages--passion that overflows--would be enough to get someone to love you back.

I could blame all the romantic movies that I've seen. But, this time, I take full accountability.

I loved. And that is all there is to it.

The motivation: Pain, they say, is a good motivation. Initially, yeah. But I didn't find it sustainable. Almost always, I end up making it rain on my own parade.

Lately I've been getting good feedback about how I look, dress up, behave and think. My running buddies in the office never fail to comment about how much weight I've lost since I started with the company. Comments like: "Ang macho mo na!" "Sobrang laki ng pinayat mo, maniwala ka!" "See, wala ka ng tiyan!" greet me as I pass by their desks.

I've also been experimenting with facial hair. I've gotten mixed reviews, really. I'm seen to be goodie-two-shoes--a boy next door kinda guy. I attribute it partly because of my age. For about a year, I was the youngest in the organization but you know, talent comes in and people younger than I am get recruited. And because of this, most people like seeing me clean shaven--a look that I always sport.

But recently, I've been going offsite to conduct meetings and sessions with people more than 20 years my senior. In my desire to be taken seriously (and as a man. I'm afraid they might find me too pretty to take seriously), I let my facial hair grow. Since it doesn't grow full length overnight, it gradually eased in. From "he might have forgotten to shave this morning" to "oh, he's doing it on purpose."

The new look created a buzz, especially with my lady peers. They'd ask me why and I'd be honest enough to give them the straight answer (I'm too young and I want to look more mature). They'd laugh at it and then comment: "I find it sexy."

I could be sexy.

So yeah, I derive motivation externally. But at the same time, I couple it with my own desire to become the best the world has yet to see. I'll show you.

The action plan:
Ever since high school, I've been told to work S.M.A.R.T. I think whoever coined that term should have gotten it patented or something. So if there's a goal, there should be steps taken to make sure you get to the goal. Here are mine.

1. Hire a personal trainer.
I have come a long way from my gym-awkward self years ago. I used to squeamish at the thought of going to the gym for fear of being perceived weak. I am now a valued member of a fitness chain. I must say that apart from making me gay-er, the gym had its physical benefits. At one point, I was 153 lbs and skinny. Now, I'm heavier and a bit muscle-y.

After the pseudo relationship, I was more motivated to lift heavy weights. But when the feelings died down and I became happier, it was as if I had become weak. If I become too exhausted, I stop. And though my superset workout helped my biceps get mass, I think I might have reached a plateau.

Hiring a PT will force me to keep to my regimen, and to lift more weights than I am supposed to. I told him my goals and I expect him to help me get to it. Damn all the gods if that doesn't happen.

2. Improved skin care.
I have my paganda routine at night before going to bed. It's the usual cleanser-toner-moisturizer routine plus some other products targeted at specific areas. It takes me about 30 minutes to go through my routine covering my face down to my feet. But lately, I've been paying less attention to my lower body (from neck, down). So this month, I will get back to moisturizing my whole body before going to bed.

I've never gone to a derma. I remember one time, when I was still in college, a friend asked me what I do with my skin to keep it clear. Another guy friend supported her and told me that he's envious of how my skin looks. Then, I was not using anything. So I said: "None, I don't use products. The only soapy product that touches it is the shampoo washing."

Don't get me wrong, I get breakouts too. I am also human.

I think my skin has gotten used to my current product line. So I decided to up the ante. Following jamie's (of the Wandering Polar Bear blog) advice, I went to Kiehl's and got myself a new line of beautification products. It was definitely a splurge, but I'm sure it's gonna be worth it.

Because I don't wear gloves at the gym, my palms are starting to get calloused. The girls from way back when who envied my smooth hands will now rejoice. But I will put up a fight--I've stocked up on hand lotion at the office and I never forget to apply lotion at least two times during my whole work day.

3. Diet
I have signed up for two weeks of hybrid south beach diet. The main goal was to shock my body but since it wasn't a strict phase 1 diet, the change wasn't as pronounced as I expected it to be. I also made it clear to my chef that I run for fitness and couldn't afford to lose all carbs in a snap.

Another reason to subscribe to the diet was to know how much I should be eating every meal. I have a voracious appetite, the girls I went with to Cambodia know this very well. So now, I have an approximation of the portion of food I am allowed to eat. And this is what I am going to continue doing. It's not eating healthy even if you eat healthy foods in three to four helpings.

Enough of the physical, let's dive deeper.

4. Stop talking about the pseudo-relationship
My friends noticed a significant improvement from three months ago. I'm now mostly back to normal. But it seems like it's a recurring topic that I am still willing to discuss. They say that when you are able to talk about it casually, it's a sign of moving on. But in this case, I guess it's not helpful when you get reminded constantly of the experience. So, upon Jamie's prodding, I will stop talking about it because I have said everything that could ever be said about my pseudo-relationship.

Dating seems such a burden lately. I keep looking for that magical feeling--the instant connection. There is awesome factor when a guy you like also likes you back. But when will I ever meet that person? Is that even a question I am supposed to ask?

What about a love that grows from friendship? A companionship of the like-minded, a merging of two individual lives that maintain their individuality and are able to share it with each other.

It will come. I will meet my You.

5. Read.
My reading list is lengthening, I'm stocking up on books faster than I am reading them. My bookshelf needs more space. I need to pencil reading into my schedule. I cannot afford to have an awesome body without the mind to back it up.

6. Reduce my online presence.
My friends back in college conducted a study on social networking sites and its effect on the relationships of those who use it. The results were shocking but not entirely surprising, as evidenced by other studies that served as the basis of my friends' report. The more time you spend online, the less real relationships you have. So those who use networking sites to gather as many friends as they could, don't have as much real friends in real life.

In this regard, I want to meet people. Real people--with their own brand of stories to tell.

Do I intend on making it develop into something more than friendship? I don't know. If it leads there, then I will not stop it on purpose. But I will now practice more prudence into selecting people to let into my life. I have gotten enough negativity from those I considered friends. It's time to burn bridges. :)

7. Get away.
I have not yet finalized anything, unlike my last few items. But I want to drive somewhere I could stay and reflect. I'm thinking of the Boutique in Tagaytay or the Discovery Suites there. Whether I'd invite someone over is another thing. I still don't know whether I want company on that day.

Or I could check into a hotel and invite some friends over for game night and booze.

Or a relaxing full spa treatment.

I'll figure it out. But today, I run with mah girls.