It comes to a close.

I saw one of my closest girl-friends at the parking lot yesterday morning. She was away on a surfing trip over the weekend with her boyfriend and their friends. It’s been a week since we saw each other so I was excited to see her again. She was wearing a long summer dress that went well with her tan. She looked pretty so I wanted to give her a compliment, I wanted to start her week right with a pat on the back. I walked over to her car as she was getting her gym stuff in the trunk.

“Hey, sweetie. Good morning. Nice tan! You look good in that summer dress! How was the beach trip?”
“We broke up.”

And she started crying.

I was left with nothing to say, I was in no position to offer love advice being a single since birth gay guy whose first attempt at a real relationship turned out ugly. What was I supposed to say?

“Oh my.” And I gave her a hug.

The guy wanted to cool off because he felt uncertain about the relationship. My friend couldn’t accept that reason because she felt it’s such a lame excuse for cooling off. She was concerned with being in a relationship with someone who was uncertain of himself and who was uncertain about her. She broke it off and she has been feeling like crap since Saturday.

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Oh, Saturday. It was our first meet up—a date, perhaps. After about two months of leaving each other messages on Downelink and sending each other mini updates via SMS, we finally got to meet. I suggested that we watch 500 Days of Summer because I’ve heard nice reviews about it. He agreed.

We settled to meet each other around 6 pm. The movie was at 7pm.

He constantly sent me updates about his whereabouts but that didn’t quell my fear of getting stood up. At quarter to seven he texted that he was already in Glorietta. I let out a sigh of relief. He was going to be here, after all.

At three minutes before seven, he got off the escalator. And there I was, waiting with a bottle of water for him since I knew he had to rush to get there on time. As the movie started, he snuggled close to me such that his right arm was underneath my left arm. His right arm was almost resting on my torso. I didn’t know what to do so I stayed put.

Over dinner, we had an animated discussion about what each other was doing. He’s an architect and I’m an HR practitioner. Despite the fun time we had talking about different things, I had a 21k run the next day so I couldn’t really stay late. I offered to bring him home. It was amazing how we continued to talk about the things that we do.

When we got to his place, we said our goodbyes. He got off but he didn’t give me a peck on the cheek, nor a hug—nada.

On the way home, I received a text message: “I had a great time with you, thanks for the movie, the meal and the hatid. Good luck on your run tomorrow. Text me when you get home.”

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The whole thing confused me, really. After the date, I didn’t get confirmation whether he was interested or not. Maybe it was too early to tell, to ask, to feel. But I subscribe to the idea that when two people click, they just do. You sorta kinda know.

That’s why I could totally relate with Tom in 500 Days of Summer. I’m a sucker for romantic movies, the default option for me is that the good guy always deserves to get the girl. That when you two enjoy each other’s company, it’s just logical that you two hit it off. That ‘wreckless’ love that Alicia Keys sings of. That you don’t need to eat the whole cake to know if it’s any good. That the most important thing of all is that ever elusive spark.

“I woke up one morning and I just knew.”
“Knew what?”
“What I was never sure of you.”

It broke my heart to hear that.

And it left me wondering: Could he be my Summer?

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I don’t understand why I am in such a hurry to find the one. I just turned 23, I am starting to build my career in a multinational, I have just started dating guys last year, I had been hurt once. Why do I feel like I’m losing time when the rest of my life is still in front of me?

“You’re waiting kasi. Wag mong antayin.”
“It’s going to be a surprise, don’t hurry it. You’d enjoy it more if it’s that way.”
“You’re still young. There’s a lot more opportunity for you.”

How come I don’t get comforted by these words even if those saying it are my most trusted friends?

I feel that I lead an awesome life: I have a nice job, I get to contribute at home, I’m at my best shape yet, I have friends I can talk about a variety of stuff, I see the world.

But somehow, I feel that it’s not enough to talk about these things with friends or family. I feel like I have a lot to give—attention, affection, love. But there’s no receptacle.

So I guess in the end, I may not just be as ready for a relationship as I thought I was. Or maybe I am really not Tom, but Summer. And I may just haven’t found the one I can be sure of, yet.