roast

March 2007

It was a half-hearted decision to attend this party. Sure, the whole block is gonna be there and there's a slim chance that I would feel out of place. While I'm not overly popular in school, I had a lot of acquaintances because of the various activities I joined. I'm sure I'll enjoy seeing familiar faces, perhaps for the last time.

It was kind of our last hurrah before graduation and my friends insisted that I should go, so I did.

I didn't know what to do when they handed me a blue rose at the entrance. I still haven't decided who to give it to. According to campus-lore, you should give it to the person you've been crushing on since your freshman year but never had the guts to admit. Some say you should give it to someone you've hurt as a means to apologize for your misgiving. It could also be an expression of heartfelt thanks to someone who'd been there throughout your four years in college.

The problem was it could mean anything.

That night I could have given it to Elle. She's the cheerdancer I've been dating since the sophomore year. It's been a bumpy courtship: I was insecure about myself, she was over-confident. I knew she liked me enough, but I never had the balls to actually ask her about it. We just hung out. We had a fight during our junior year and decided to take a break from each other.

I saw her that night, with another guy. "It could have been you," I told myself and walked away.

Or I could have given it to Marie. She's the blockmate I've always admired. She was not the prettiest in the block but she was one of the smartest and most responsible. Despite our already difficult workload, she mastered speaking in French. We would hang out together, at times, take the public transport together. She never knew that she was one of my could-have-beens. She was too good, and I was uncertain--of myself.

I saw her that night, with her best friend. "I can't bring this up now," I hesitated and walked away.

I could also have given it to Kitty. The first time I saw her during freshman orientation, I was captivated. She knew that I've had a crush on her ever since. And I'm happy that we've become really good friends during college. I've long accepted the fact that we'll never be together and I am contented with just being friends. We've weathered every group work together and made it a point to become thesis groupmates. We clicked as friends, and that is all there is to it.

I spent most of the time with her that night. "You already know how I feel about you," I thought hard and walked away.

In a flurry mix of chitchat, alcohol, cameras and warm hugs, I forgot that I was still holding on to my blue rose. It was already time to go, yet I still have that blue rose on hand.

I turned to the blockmate closest to me and said, "You should get this blue rose. Happy Graduation!"

The sissy left the party.

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March 2009

Good thing I had a driver after facilitating that workshop in our offsite location in Batangas. I was so tired after facilitating the session that I was asleep for the most part of the trip. I woke up and we were already along SLEX. Traffic was building up, the car was slowing down.

A question came up in my head: "Why am I still single until now?"

It got me thinking. I have gone out on dates, I've been meeting up with guys. I've been told I'm quite a looker. I'm not obese, I've a stable job.

What was it that hinders me from getting into a relationship?

After that long trip back to the office, I realized I need to start taking chances. I realized that with potential relationships, I've always held back. I've never allowed myself to be completely vulnerable. I felt that I was always restricting myself, trying to follow guidelines that never really existed, holding myself at a different set of standard. I never really lost my self.

Then, along came a guy whom I thought was the one. Just like in movies, he came with perfect timing. It felt like an answered prayer. But it was a roller coaster ride of emotions. I let go completely because I believed then that love should be lavish and that you should never waste a moment to express it. I ended up broken hearted when it came to an end.

I tried and eventually got tired of seeing guys. Because I was still hung up with my past, I ended up hurting the guys I tried to date. I dated to fill the void and just when they are falling (I'm sure you'll 'know' it when it happens), I let go. There had been apologies, but the harm had already been done.

After five long months, I would say that I now have completely moved on. I have fully accepted that in relationships, the only thing that matters is that the other person likes you enough. It's not about the ex, not about the timing, not about the job, nor the work schedule. If the other person liked you enough, all the other things--even the ex--would not matter.

The faster you realize that simple concept, the faster you'll move on.

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This saturday, I am meeting him for the first time.

All I know is I'm ready for however it would turn out. The key to a happy life: managed expectations.

Here's to taking chances, to being vulnerable. For the next time I bare my soul, I would be ready to take the response--even if the response ain't favorable.