silence

Love comes when you least expect it, in the most unexpected places.

Some call it Fate.

In an attempt to rekindle my relationship with God, I attended a silent retreat right before graduating from college. READ: Five days of no talking. At the end of the five-day retreat, it's not just the relationship with God that I rekindled. There was also my relationship with Elle.

We didn't know we'd see each other in Mirador. I signed up because back in college, I decided to cut my relationship with God. College was about to end, the Ateneo was now ready to let me go and I felt I needed something to guide me as I try to make sense of the world out there. She may have had different reasons for going, but the bottom line is, she was there--we both were.

She always caught me by surprise. It’s freaky at times, really. I don’t know, she always had to be where I was. Mirador was too big for both of us but I always had to see her and be reminded of the could-have-beens.

I vividly remember watching the bonfire with you. We just sat there as we watched another guy set it up for everyone. No one talked but it really felt like we all connected. I was trying to read your glances, trying to catch your eye, trying to make sense of what brought us together at that time. When the last ember went out, I realized that the fire may have warmed my body but the thought of you warmed my heart.

Writing each other letters may be considered wrong in the context of our silent prayer. But I always believed that in connecting with God, we can use whatever, as long as it will lead us closer to Him. I was inspired to write you a letter, so I did. It amazed me that when I got back from leaving the letter on your doorstep, I found your letter tied on my room's doorknob. We didn’t have to cross our paths, it was already intertwined to begin with.

It was God’s spontaneity at its finest. We were dancing to God’s music, to His choreography.

I was elated to see that you also had a letter for me. I wrote you a response because I wanted to thank you and apologize for my misgivings. I didn'y give it right away. I felt that there was something amiss.

I waited until the breaking of the silence. Because by then I would be able to get you something. I thought hard about what to give you as we roamed around the city. Then it hit me. I decided to leave you with a dream catcher--because you were a dream that for the longest time, I wanted to catch.

Before we boarded the bus, I rushed to your door so I could leave the letter and the dreamcatcher. I tried not to make any sound but the dream catcher bumped to your door. I rushed to leave because I knew you heard and I didn't want you to see me. I walked away as I heard your door opening. I continued to walk away so I don’t see you because it will be hard to leave you, again. You were still in your silent prayer and I didn't want to break that prematurely. I walked away knowing that you are looking at me and waiting that I look back. But I never did.

The time to leave had come, we loaded our bags onto the jeep that will transfer the items to the bus. I didn’t expect to see you waiting by the fish pond--one of the places where we always saw each other. There was no other way to pass so I walked straight to you. Right on cue, you turned around, look me in the eye and showed me what you were holding. I was surprised to see my letter, with the dream catcher.

You reached out for my hand and gave me another letter. As if that wasn't enough, you pulled me close and gave me a hug. All I mustered to say was “salamat.” And then you walked away. Like me, you also never looked back.

Our roles were reversed this time. But in the end, we both did not look back.

I looked at the letter in my hand. Then the rain started to pour. Funny it didn't feel cold.

Your hug warmed me through the harsh pouring rain. And that was all that mattered.

I call it Faith.